Rejected and Restored

In early 1964 a 19-year old girl, still with great dreams of a wonderful future, found herself pregnant. As it was the custom, a quick marriage was arranged with the father of the baby and here I am, born December 1964. They were not happily married, struggled financially, had meddling in-laws as well as coming to terms with the responsibilities of marriage and a family. My brother was born two years later with a heart defect. He was a lovely boy, the apple of my dad's eye, but one day he did something naughty and got a few smacks on the backside from dad. His heart failed and he died. My parents were devastated and I was still too little to really understand the impact of such a thing.

My dad never forgave himself and fell into a pit of depression, alcohol and erratic behaviour. From a child's perspective I tried to say, 'hey, I am still here', but could not understand why they were always in a state of mourning. My dad committed suicide a few months after.

My mum and I moved in with her parents. For a long time, they were the only and most loving influence I had in my life. Shortly after my dad's death my mother started dating and met a man she fell madly in love with. He became my stepfather a few months after. I was only nine years old. In the beginning he was very kind, but it turned into a very abusive relationship after a few years. He started drinking heavily, became physical and verbally abusive towards us. We were constantly in a state of panic and fear, especially during weekends and public holidays - it was as if he was pulling out all stops to hurt and abuse.

I did go to church from a very small age and my aunt, a devoted Christian, played a big role in my life, by offering support, taking me out to youth meetings at the local church and I firmly believe, praying many, many prayers. She actually tried to step in and confronted my stepfather, but was bombarded by accusations of meddling and lying. I thank God for this godly aunt who gave me hope in the darkest of times.

I spent my adolescence raising my other sisters (stepfather's children), cooking, cleaning and going to school. Obviously, I very seldom invited people home and I seldom visited others, as everybody knew my background and I was looked down upon. When I was 16, I met a young man, who became my boyfriend and on whom I relied very much. Indeed, he was the only thing that made me get up in the morning. When my mum and step dad realised how strong the relationship was getting, we were forbidden to see each other. We did however carry on the relationship in secret. My first act of rebellion!

When I finished school, I wanted to go to university as I was a straight A student and had a passion for learning. I was told that I had one of two choices, joining the air force or the Bank, as a woman does not belong at university, 'it is a waste of money'. I was devastated. I needed to get away from home as far as I could, and for obvious reasons joined the air force. My boyfriend was already in the air force. Unbeknown he was actually cheating on me at that time, but as he was the only person I had, I conveniently overlooked the issue, to my own detriment. I was trapped in my desperate need to be loved. He eventually asked me to marry him, but shortly after the proposal started dating my best friend at that time, and they are married today as far as I know. Just as well, he dumped me, I met a wonderful man a few years after that who put up with me through a lot of things!

I was a very hurting, broken person and vowed to myself that I would never allow anybody to hurt me again. I became a very sharp-edged defensive person and sometimes just plain obnoxious. It is said, "hurting people, hurt people". I hurt a lot of people especially those closest to me. I did came to a point in my early 30's, I totally fell apart, could not keep up the facade and made the decision to lay it all before God's feet, asking Him to make me whole again. I just could not cope anymore.

I always believed in God, but because of all the hurt was not willing to open my heart and break down the walls I had so carefully built. No one, not even God could seemingly break through the wall I had so carefully built. It took quite a few years, a lot of tears and prayers to heal all the wounds and God is still working on me. Now I know, I can open my heart to God. He can be trusted, because He is faithful and loves us just the way we are and where we are at. I always blamed myself for what happened to me yet God showed me that I was a victim of circumstances and a victim of the consequences of the bad choices other people made. God has given me a new lease on life. He is compensating me threefold for all that I have lost. I have a wonderful, husband and two beautiful daughters, pursuing the things I always dreamed and seeing my dreams coming true, day by day.

If God can fix me, he can fix anybody!