Identifying Spiritual Abuse
The Abuse Setup
Spiritual abuse has its origins in two common needs: the need of people to have leaders and the need of leaders to have followers. These needs in themselves don't seem to be wrong until we see this in a spiritual dimension. God's design was never to have relationships with people via a mediator, but an intimate person-to-person relationship (1 Timothy 2:5, James 2:23, John 15:13). The abuse trap is set when the need for spiritual leaders (mediators) and the need for followers becomes greater than the desire to seek a person-to-person intimacy with God. The outworking of this is clearly seen when a spiritual leader is idealised and their words assume the very words of God. Peoples' spiritual hunger today is easily transferred to finding fulfilment in a man's teaching or leadership.
Working the other way, a spiritual leader can feed upon this and come to expect or demand loyalty. If it is not forthcoming, it can be seen as equal to disobedience with God.
In an age of rapid change people are feeling powerless over their own choices and destinies. No longer do people feel they count. So many choose to lay back and go with the flow. They surrender the most basic human freedom - the freedom to choose. With this freedom surrendered, people today are avoiding personal responsibility and allowing others to do their thinking and decision making for them. The cry goes up, "We need strong leadership". "Tell us what we need to do". "Show us where we need to go".
The leader steps into a baited trap.
An experience of God and an understanding of the purpose of life is now lived through another person. (If you are unsure about this, ask any person from a church where the leader has fallen. They will tell you how their understanding of God was shattered in the process).
Abuse Indicators
Dualism
A system of thought that establishes poles of truth - black and white. These are set up as defining and excluding systems. "I am white as opposed to black". "Because you are black you can have no part of white". Yes, there are many forms of spiritual apartheid within the church today. Remember the day when Protestants believed that Roman Catholics could not be Christians? (Some still believe that today!). Or, "You can't be a liberal and be a Christian", "If you don't speak in tongues you don't have the Holy Spirit". Black and white systems gravitate towards their poles of extremism. They quickly become extreme in objectivism, where an experience of God becomes an intellectual pursuit or extreme subjectivism. At this extreme, God becomes known through a special manifestation or experience. Right and wrong in a dualistic system are defined in their own definitions of white and black.
Measuring Systems for Success
Have you ever felt that as a Christian you simply don't measure up? Who said so? The measuring systems for popular Christianity go something like this: church attendance, church giving, church committees, home bible studies, personal prayer and bible studies, attendance at special church prayer meetings, leading your friend, family, workmates and neighbours to Christ, a successful family life and a successful business life.
It's no wonder you don't measure up - You can't. Christianity that measures spirituality by performance is abusive. Shame on you if you don't measure up! "Stop judging by mere appearances and make a right judgement". (John 7.23/Isaiah 11:3)
"Shame on you!"
Shame and a preoccupation with performance work closely together. The measuring systems that reinforce desired behaviour can be held in place by guilt and shame. "You will need a very good excuse not to attend the men's camp next weekend", "All those who really want to grow in their Christian life will be at the seminar on Wednesday evening". Very subtle, but beware, the end does not justify the means.
Perfection can also be shame producing. When people are asked to do some of the simplest tasks within a church, is their first response "I'm not good enough - I could never do that"? This is a good indication that - consciously or subconsciously - performance has certain tags associated with it. People may be encouraged to "have a go", but are people still encouraged when they have tried and failed? Are failures applauded? If we do not have a theology of failure, it is likely that our theology of success is without a foundation in God's grace.
Same Mindedness
Unity in a church may be a false unity which is abusive. This happens when people are encouraged to think the same on certain issues. To think differently is to destroy the unity and peace of the church. Differences may emerge but people's fear of conflict and a desire to be 'peacemakers' motivates them to smooth over any differences that surface. Same mindedness is abusive in that it destroys a person's personal walk and experience with the Lord. The scriptures do talk about "Like mindedness" but like minded after Christ. Being united in Christ…… "your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus who" …..Phil. 2:1ff. Like mindedness is no coercion to a set of rules, principles or doctrines - it is a vital relationship with Jesus!
Pedestal Syndrome
This is most clearly seen at peoples' funerals or farewells. The superlatives flow, "They would give you the shirt off their back". Yes, compliments, encouragement, and words of praise are very important, but they must never be dehumanising. Seldom, if ever, is a persona as good as their obituary. A leader is dehumanised when idealised - loyalty to the leader is then equated with loyalty to God. A mystique and aura surround the leader and people find it hard to believe that they have sex, get angry, think unclean thoughts, and occasionally think unspiritually. When this happens the leader is, as they say, "three feet above contradiction". Watch out! This can easily lead to spiritual abuse.
"I'm telling you in confidence"
There is a big difference between confidentiality and secrets. Today much of what is termed "in confidence" is a secret. Confidentiality protects a person - secrets seduce! If it is truly confidential, you don't need to know. The end of the matter! However, secrets are often used to gain power over another person. You cannot tell because you were told not to. Secrecy is a key ingredient of abusive systems, e.g. sexual, physical, emotional, drug and alcoholic abuse, all function under a code of secrecy. (John 3:20-21)
Promise
In a day of "casting a vision" promise can be a very subtle form of spiritual abuse. To illustrate: a child may be regularly promised a trip to Disneyland, but the promise may have no means of fulfilment. Unrealistic dreams, hopes and loyalties are pinned to the promise until one day the shocking reality of the local park is discovered.
People's desire to be led into the 'promised land' is very strong. Wise leaders know how to cast a vision and at the same time root it in reality. Abusive leaders offer only promise and recruit people on the basis of tomorrow's dream rather than today's reality.